A goat farm?
Are you kidding me?
I stood there by the kitchen table reading the letter from Getterman, Nielsen, Pedersen Christensen, Larsen, Sørensen, Rasmussen, Jørgensen, and Smith, Attorneys at Law, in Copenhagen, Denmark.
Apparently my great, great, great Aunt Inga on my father's side had recently passed, may she rest in peace. She and her little family apparently lived in the village of Gribstrup in central Denmark, a place as foreign to me as my great, great, great Aunt Inga on my father's side.
I'd never heard of either one.
The letter was embossed with an elegant gold seal at the top, some sort of griffin gripping a shield with Danish writing on it, with the firm's name taking up a good portion of letter writer's real estate just below it.
It was a cordial, efficient letter.
We regret to inform you that your great, great, great Aunt on your father's side recently passed. It took us some time to locate a next of kin in this instance, due to the recent plague among farm animals and their keepers wreaking such havoc upon the locals, and no one wanting to have anything to do with your great, great, great Aunt anyway . It's been some time since authorities discovered the body, and longer to track you down. This is now your problem.
My problem?
Did I piss off someone I don't even know?
As I thought about that, I realized that was not unlikely, given my recent state of affairs.
You are the inheritor, the letter went on, of your great, great, great Aunt Inga's prized possession, her pearl of great price, her passion and, ultimately, her poison: her five-hundred hectare slice of heaven in Denmark, and all of her beloved goats.
I blinked. Twice.
Goats?
Wait, wait. How much land is 500 hectares?
I went to my phone and did a quick search.
Holy Cow! That's over 1,200 acres!
How much is land worth in Denmark? With my luck its probably $10 an acre.
Wait, what's 1,200 acres times $10?
That's $12,000!
Oh, wait, that's just $12,000. After sales and taxes and inheritance taxes and snot nose taxes and bugger-all taxes, I'll probably owe the Danish government.
A goat farm? I read on.....because why not?
Due to the unique requirements placed up the inheritor by your great, great, great Aunt Inga, there are certain memoranda, restrictions and stipulations upon inheritance of said property, and goats. The inheritor will be required to take up residence at the property, and obtain citizenship from the Ministry of Immigration and Integration. The term of residency shall not be less than five years.
I blinked. Three times.
Live in Denmark? I don't even know where Denmark is.
Do they have broadband cable in Denmark? Do they have cars? Do goats pull carts?
I began to laugh. Just a giggle at first. Then a tummy bumping guffaw. Then full throated nearly hysterical laughter at how ridiculous this was. This has to be a gag. A joke. A prank, I thought, played by one of several people I can think of that may have cause to put me in distress.
I bet it was Phil that made this up. This sounds like his sense of humor.
I balled the letter up and tossed it in the recycle, and started thinking how I could return the favor to Phil.
That night I put out the trash and recycle to the curb, and went to bed, without a second thought.
The next afternoon as I walking to my car parked on the street, I notice the refuse trucks had made a slight mess when they dumped the contents of my containers. I went to pick up the papers, and noticed one of them was the letter from Getterman, Nielsen, Pedersen Christensen, Larsen, Sørensen, Rasmussen, Jørgensen, and Smith, Attorneys at Law, in Copenhagen, Denmark.
For whatever reason, I uncrumpled the letter and took another look at it, to see if I could find clues to who had played the prank on me.
The letter went on....
Should you desire to pursue a claim for inheritance, it should be noted there are some stipulations in addition to those mentioned previously.
1. The inheritor will be required to see to the proper upkeep the property in general, but also the main house and assorted cottages and barns on the property. Your great, great, great Aunt Inga lived modestly, being a frugal goat farmer her entire life. The house is not much, but it is in good shape and well repaired. All eight bedrooms and six bathrooms are in good repair. There are no roof leaks. Both kitchens have the essentials. The swimming pool is in good repair, with recent resurfacing of the pool and deck having been completed the previous summer. The tennis court will need resurfacing soon, but is serviceable as is. Bernard Bergesen has pledged to stay on to look after the house and property if the inheritor will have him.
2. The inheritor will be required to honor great, great, great Aunt Inga's wishes to keep the goat herd healthy and flourishing. She requests that the inheritor maintain at least the current staffing levels to care for the herd's needs. Should the herd grow beyond 6,000 heads, the inheritor will be authorized to sell the overstock to maintain a healthy herd of around 5,000 goats.
3. The inheritor will endeavor to maintain the current line of goat milk products, including soaps, skin products, hair products, and cheeses.
4. The inheritor shall inherit great, great, great Aunt Inga's accounts and financial portfolio that has amassed no small bit of good fortune, do to her lifetime of frugal and modest living. The inheritor is free to use the funds as they see fit, so long as the stipulations above, to care for the farm, the goats, and the general flourishing and wellbeing of the enterprise is ensured for at least the next twenty years.
5. Should an acceptable inheritor of kin not be found, the entire enterprise, farm, business and property will be granted to Bernard Bergesen, being the longest term employee and probably the only person who could be counted as a friend, although distantly, of your great, great, great Aunt Inga.
I await you reply.
Barney Smith, Partner, Getterman, Nielsen, Pedersen Christensen, Larsen, Sørensen, Rasmussen, Jørgensen, and Smith, Attorneys at Law, Copenhagen, Denmark.
Good lord, I've read enough.
Goat farm, indeed.
I tossed the letter back in the trash bin, and put the bin away. I drove off my job at the grocery store down the street. The job sucked, but it mostly paid the rent.
***************
About a year later, we got some new products in the store. Dairy items, skin care, even some cheeses. I began stocking the shelves and noticed the name of the product company: Bergensen's Best.
Bergensen.
Now, where have I heard that name before?